Getting to Know You

I visited with a couple who just had a big argument. The husband (I’ll call Harry) had made an important decision without consulting his wife (Mary). When Mary found out, she was furious. I asked Harry why he hadn’t talked to his wife before making this decision. He answered that he knew she would disagree but he felt it was the right decision. As we visited more, it turned out that Mary actually agreed with the decision. She was just upset about not being consulted, about not being part of the decision making. Apparently Harry didn’t know his wife as well as he thought he did.

How well do you know your spouse? Sometimes we get so caught up in our own world that we don’t really take the time to get to know who the person is that we married. Sometimes we assume they think just like we do and if they don’t, they're wrong. And yet, we didn’t marry “ourself”. We married someone else. In fact, we chose someone who had qualities we believed (either consciously or unconsciously) would help us grow and develop and become a more complete person.

Sometimes we assume we know our spouses but maybe we don't really know them as well as we think we do. When was the last time, for example, that you asked your husband for his opinion or your wife for her input? When they answered (if they weren’t completely speechless) did you listen to learn – genuinely wanting to know how they felt about things? And, if they felt differently than you, did you carefully consider what you could learn from them?

Marriage is a wonderful opportunity to become more together than either of us could become separately. It’s grafting two plants into one to make a stronger, healthier, sweeter fruit.

A Rose is a Rose is a Rose

I love seeing all the flowers that are in bloom – the pink and red roses, the purple pansies, the yellow daisies and so many more! It’s amazing how many different kinds and colors of flowers there are! Each one has its own charm and together they bring a special kind of gladness to our hearts.

It’s interesting that as we look at flowers, we never say “Red rose, you should be violet. What’s wrong with you?” or “Daffodils, why can’t you be more like tulips?” We never say or even think things like that. We just enjoy the flowers as they are. Of course, if we see flowers that aren’t blossoming and healthy, we may think “They need more water or sunlight or some kind of caring attention.” But we don’t want or expect them to be a different kind of flower than they are.

Just like flowers, we all look different from each other and have different talents and personalities. Some of us are roses, some are tulips, some are daffodils. But we all have the potential to gladden the hearts of others and to bring beauty into the world. It seems like we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves (and our loved ones) with others. “I wish I could be as smart as she is” or “Why doesn’t my husband buy me nice things like her husband does?” We may or may not say these things out loud but too often, we think them. And as we spend our time and energy comparing in this way, we miss out on the exquisite and unique beauty each has to offer.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could accept and appreciate ourselves and each other for who we are – like we do with flowers -- rather than comparing ourselves (or our loved ones) with others.

Organizing Drawers and Life

Yesterday I spent some time organizing a drawer. I had set a goal this year to organize all my drawers. It’s been interesting what I’ve found. This drawer was particularly interesting. I found some memorabilia that I really wanted to keep and enjoyed going through it and reliving the fond memories. I also found gadgets I had absolutely no use for and in honestly thinking about it, I doubted anyone else had any use for them either. In fact, they were really just cluttering up my drawer. They ended up in the trash. I also found some things that needed some fixing up but that I wanted to keep. I put them in a place where I would see them more often so I would remember to take care of them.

It’s interesting how we take time to organize things – like the contents of drawers - but how often do we take time to look at and organize our thoughts, our memories, our hearts? Are there some memories of good times and happier days that have been tucked away and almost forgotten? How about taking some time to bring them forward and relive them now?

And as we honestly look at our thoughts, are there some thoughts that we really have no use for – that just clutter our minds? Maybe they’re left-over thoughts from childhood that don’t apply any more but for some reason we’ve been holding onto them. Maybe they’re thoughts of blaming or holding grudges or comparing ourselves to others. Just like organizing drawers, we need to ask ourselves, “Is this thought really something I want to keep? Does it serve any useful purpose?” If the answer is “no”, then we can let it go – throw it away. It’s our choice. It’s our “drawer” - our mind.

And finally, as we take time to look at our thoughts and hearts, can we see that some things, maybe even relationships, are really worth keeping? They just need some fixing up. And maybe some of the fixing up is something we can do. Maybe we can be a little kinder, a little more patient. As we become more aware, we can make an effort to put these thoughts in the forefront of our mind so we can remember to pay attention to them.

It's a worthwhile thing to go through drawers, thoughts and hearts from time to time.

Sunshine

A couple came into counseling and told me this would be their last session. I listened intently as they explained why - hoping that it wasn’t because they were giving up and had decided to go their separate ways.

Fortunately, their explanation for no longer needing counseling was because they were doing so much better. (Yea!) Of course, I wanted to know what had worked for them, what had made the difference.

Their explanation was simple and profound. They said they had finally caught the vision of how important marriage really was. And, they recognized that as they looked to God, He would help them. With that vision and realization, they said they were able to make the changes they both needed to make.

Instead of looking down or even all around, they were now looking up. And that made all the difference.

Marriage, like plants, needs sunshine to grow - a power greater than itself.

Roots: A Secure Base

When you plant a seed, roots begin to develop in the ground. This happens before you see anything – stem, leaves, blossoms - above the ground. Why is this? What is the purpose of roots?

Roots basically do two things for plants. They absorb nutrients from the soil which are essential for plants to grow and develop. And, they provide an anchor for plants. We take for granted, for example, that giant oak trees have a mature root structure underneath them. Otherwise, we would be terrified to walk among them for fear they would fall over and land on us!

While they are growing and alive, plants need roots – whether they are little pansies or giant oak trees. Without roots and the nourishment and anchoring they provide, plants cannot live.

Just like plants, we also need roots to anchor and nourish us, not just physically but emotionally, especially emotionally. As a baby, each time our mother fed us when we were hungry or changed our diaper when it was wet or held us when we were frightened, a new “root hair” was formed. It took time but we began to feel secure (anchored) because she responded to our needs. We learned that we could count on her. And with this security we were able to grow and develop, to explore, to try new things. As our root system continued to develop, we found that we could go a little longer without checking in with her, not because we didn’t need her but because we knew she would be there when we did need her. We felt secure, anchored.

As we grew into adults, we found that we still needed this kind of security, this root structure to anchor us (although we may have bought into some philosophies that would have us believe we didn’t need anyone. That makes about as much sense as a giant oak tree not needing a healthy root structure to keep it anchored). But we learned that we could receive this base of nourishment and anchoring from other sources – from God as we saw how He was there for us and answered our prayers - and from very special others in our lives that we learned we could count on and we could rely on when we needed them. Eventually we chose one special person to join our lives with. We got married and found that we were able to nourish and anchor (be roots for) each other.

And our roots continue to develop in marriage. Each time we gaze at each other lovingly or speak fond words to each other or go out of our way to get that special gift or just do the dishes because we know it means a lot to the other, we are developing another “root hair”. And as we continue to do this, one act, one word, one kind gesture at a time, we, like the giant oak tree, will develop a healthy, secure root structure that will keep us anchored and nourished.

Deeper Pruning

Some mistakes are annoying but we learn from them and usually end up laughing about them later on. Other mistakes, however, are hurtful to those we love and to our relationships. These hurtful mistakes may be unintentional but they cause emotional pain. They make us question whether we are valued by our loved one or whether we can count on him or her to be there for us when we need them. They are not corrected with a friendly smile but rather with tears or sometimes, anger. And sometimes they are not even corrected because the hurt is so painful. These kinds of mistakes must be addressed and appropriately responded to in order for the relationship to heal.

The first step in addressing these mistakes is to allow yourself to feel the pain, including the pain that is underneath the anger. It is much easier to feel angry but anger is always divisive. Anger does exactly what we don’t want. It causes us to feel more alienated and alone. When we are willing to feel the real pain, the next step is to recognize that this pain must be shared to begin the healing process. And that takes a lot of courage.

Unfortunately, sometimes when the real hurt is shared, the response from the loved one is simply that it was unintentional or “I didn’t mean to” with the attitude of “so let’s just move on”. The problem is that the hurt partner has an emotional injury. They can’t just move on, anymore than someone who has a broken leg can “just move on.” The cause of the broken leg may have been unintentional (or accidental) but it still hurts and it still needs to be healed and that takes time and appropriate attention.

The first step in responding to your loved one when you have made a hurtful mistake is to acknowledge that you have caused pain, even though it may not have been intentional. Show your loved one that you care about their pain, just as you would if you had unintentionally caused a physical injury. Be with them and feel with them and certainly express remorse for what happened (again, whether or not it was intentional). This is how the healing process begins. You are now answering those questions positively which were left unanswered before: “Do you value me? Can I count on you to be there for me when I need you?” "Yes. Yes".

Friendly Pruning

The other day I made a mistake in an assignment I was doing. I was told of my mistake and felt kind of foolish at first because I thought I knew better. However, as I interacted later with the person who had corrected me, I realized he thought no less of me. In fact, even when he corrected me, it was done with a smile. As I felt his support and good will towards me, my feelings of foolishness soon left and I was able to focus on what I could learn from my mistake. Perhaps, I had taken some things for granted that I could now pay more attention to. Or perhaps, I really didn’t know better and needed to learn and practice more. Or maybe I just needed to realize that we all make mistakes from time to time and chalk it up to being human.

Because I felt my “corrector’s” friendliness and support, I could focus my energies on learning from my mistake. How different it would have been if he had looked down on me, frowned instead of smiled or shook his head disapprovingly at me. Then my energies more likely would have been focused on how foolish I was, how I didn’t like working in this “hostile environment” or what was wrong with me that I should make such a mistake. In other words, my energies would have been focused on feeling bad about myself or the other person instead of learning from my mistake.

The fact is, we do and will always make mistakes because we are human and we are continually learning, growing and developing. However, the likelihood of actually learning from our mistakes so we will make them less often, increases significantly when our mistakes are corrected with warmth and support rather than coldness and disdain. This is true in work relationships, parent-child relationships, husband-wife relationships and even in the words we say to ourselves.