Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward Men

An Antidote to Criticism

We are all familiar with the angels’ words to the shepherds in announcing the birth of Jesus. They promised “peace on earth, good will toward men”.

We tend to focus on “peace on earth” – of course, something we all desire. However, we need to ponder more carefully “good will toward men” because that’s what creates peace on earth.

What does “good will” mean? "Will" is our power to choose. It is also our wish, desire or attitude. Thus, “good will toward men” means we choose to view others in a good, positive way.

On the other hand, when we criticize others, we are seldom looking at them in a positive way but rather in a negative way. We could say we have “bad will toward men”.

An antidote for criticism, then, is to choose to see others in a more positive light. We may still make requests or give suggestions but we make them with respect and good will.

Another Alternative to Criticism

A Lesson from the Creation

As we read the account of the creation in Genesis, we notice that God paused after each period of creation and “saw that it was good”. He didn’t wait until the entire creation was finished to say it was good. He acknowledged and celebrated each day.

None of us are perfect (complete, finished or fully developed) but we can follow the example given in the creation and acknowledge and celebrate what we do right along the way – every day -- even while knowing there is yet much more to do.

Instead of criticizing, we can focus more on what is right, what we do appreciate. In David Burns book, Feeling Good Together, he suggests that we try to give 25 compliments a week. Try it. Even if you don’t give that many, it’s a great way to change your mindset from focusing more on the negative to focusing more on the positive.

Remember, God "saw that it was good" every day!

An Alternative to Criticism

Think about the last time you criticized your spouse, what were you thinking and feeling just before you gave your criticism? It’s often hard to identify because it’s most likely not a thought or feeling we want to have. It may be a feeling of anxiety or insecurity, for example, and those are very uncomfortable feelings. Thoughts might be something like “Do you really value me?” or “Can I count on you when I need you?”

What’s interesting is that what we are really thinking and feeling is that we want to be reassured that our spouse is there for us, that we are securely connected. However, instead of asking for that reassurance, we criticize, which usually creates even more emotional distance and thus increases our anxiety and insecurity. As the scripture says “It is not good for man (or woman) to be alone”. We want and need to be close and connected. It is a universal, even biological need.

So instead of criticizing, we can look at what our needs and desires really are and express those to our spouse. For example, instead of saying “You need to quit being so disrespectful”, we can say something like “I feel really hurt when you do that. It makes me feel like you don’t value me and it's important to me to know that you value me.” By recognizing and sharing these kinds of feelings honestly and sincerely, we are much more likely to receive the reassurance we need and as a result, feel even closer and more securely connected to our spouse.

Miracles

Earlier this week was the 20 year anniversary of the fall of the Berlin wall. What a historic occasion that was 20 years ago! For those of us who lived through those years when the wall was up, we saw its fall and the subsequent reunification of Germany as nothing short of a miracle.

Just like the Berlin wall, we sometimes build symbolic walls, walls that supposedly protect us from sharing vulnerable feelings and risking getting rejected and hurt. They also, of course, prevent us from connecting and feeling the joy that comes from having close relationships. Some couples live with these walls for years and see little hope of them ever coming down.

But just like the Berlin wall has shown us, there is hope! Our walls can come down -even if they've been up for years - and we can be close and united with our loved ones again. Miracles can and do happen, including the domino effect, so movingly illustrated in the 20 year celebration. We just need to take the first step and have the courage to tear down our walls.

Other Destructive Weeds

John Gottman, in his study and observation of marriages, has pointed out four behaviors that he says, if left uncorrected, will destroy marriages. He calls them the “4 horsemen of the apocalypse”. They are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.

Most likely anyone that reads this will recognize some of these “destructive weeds” in their own marriages. We probably all criticize from time to time or react defensively, especially when we feel threatened. Contempt and stonewalling are more desperate (and harmful) measures but even they may creep up from time to time.

So why are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling so destructive to relationships? For one thing, they all serve to divide rather than to connect. When we criticize (or receive criticism), for example, we are no longer viewing our loved one as a friend or ally, but, in a sense, as our enemy. Defensiveness has the same effect. We are protecting ourselves and thus becoming more distant and less connected from our loved one. Contempt and stonewalling also presume enmity.

When we view each other as enemies or opponents rather than as friends or allies, we no longer work together and grow together. Instead we go our separate ways. We are alone, weak and vulnerable. Criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling are not just destructive to marriages, they are destructive to individuals. In future posts to this blog I will address healthier alternatives to these destructive behaviors.

Dear Readers

Please give me some input and feedback. If you are reading this blog, please give me your comments either here or e-mail me separately. Your input and feedback is very important to me. Also, how often do you read it and/or would you like to be able to read a new post? Am I covering aspects of relationships that are important to you? Etc. Etc. Please give me your comments.

Thank you.
Gloria Hubble

Those Pesky Weeds

Can you imagine how your garden would look if you didn’t have some way to control the weeds? Weeds are so pesky, so annoying but we learn to deal with them, both by making efforts to prevent their growth in the first place and by making efforts to get rid of them when they do start to grow.

Just like weeds or unwanted plants, we also have unwanted thoughts – thoughts that get in our way of personal growth, thoughts that crowd out our happier feelings, thoughts that get in the way of enjoying our relationships, thoughts that are just plain pesky and annoying. So what do we do with these thoughts? First of all, we recognize that we’re in charge. We don’t have to believe all of our thoughts anymore than we have to allow every weed to grow. To many people, that in itself is a very liberating thought! We can choose which thoughts we want to nurture and cultivate, which ones are consistent with our values and principles. We can also choose NOT to nurture and cultivate those thoughts that are not consistent with our values and principles.

The way we cultivate thoughts is to pay attention to them. So if we want to get rid of a thought, we acknowledge it’s there and then choose to let it go, to not give it attention but instead focus on the thought we want to cultivate. Usually it’s best to let it go gently rather than fighting it because that, in itself, is giving it more attention. One technique that is helpful for a lot of people is to visualize unwanted thoughts as leaves in a stream and just letting them pass by, while at the same time carefully cultivating those thoughts we want to keep.