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Thank you.
Gloria Hubble
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Those Pesky Weeds
Can you imagine how your garden would look if you didn’t have some way to control the weeds? Weeds are so pesky, so annoying but we learn to deal with them, both by making efforts to prevent their growth in the first place and by making efforts to get rid of them when they do start to grow.
Just like weeds or unwanted plants, we also have unwanted thoughts – thoughts that get in our way of personal growth, thoughts that crowd out our happier feelings, thoughts that get in the way of enjoying our relationships, thoughts that are just plain pesky and annoying. So what do we do with these thoughts? First of all, we recognize that we’re in charge. We don’t have to believe all of our thoughts anymore than we have to allow every weed to grow. To many people, that in itself is a very liberating thought! We can choose which thoughts we want to nurture and cultivate, which ones are consistent with our values and principles. We can also choose NOT to nurture and cultivate those thoughts that are not consistent with our values and principles.
The way we cultivate thoughts is to pay attention to them. So if we want to get rid of a thought, we acknowledge it’s there and then choose to let it go, to not give it attention but instead focus on the thought we want to cultivate. Usually it’s best to let it go gently rather than fighting it because that, in itself, is giving it more attention. One technique that is helpful for a lot of people is to visualize unwanted thoughts as leaves in a stream and just letting them pass by, while at the same time carefully cultivating those thoughts we want to keep.
Just like weeds or unwanted plants, we also have unwanted thoughts – thoughts that get in our way of personal growth, thoughts that crowd out our happier feelings, thoughts that get in the way of enjoying our relationships, thoughts that are just plain pesky and annoying. So what do we do with these thoughts? First of all, we recognize that we’re in charge. We don’t have to believe all of our thoughts anymore than we have to allow every weed to grow. To many people, that in itself is a very liberating thought! We can choose which thoughts we want to nurture and cultivate, which ones are consistent with our values and principles. We can also choose NOT to nurture and cultivate those thoughts that are not consistent with our values and principles.
The way we cultivate thoughts is to pay attention to them. So if we want to get rid of a thought, we acknowledge it’s there and then choose to let it go, to not give it attention but instead focus on the thought we want to cultivate. Usually it’s best to let it go gently rather than fighting it because that, in itself, is giving it more attention. One technique that is helpful for a lot of people is to visualize unwanted thoughts as leaves in a stream and just letting them pass by, while at the same time carefully cultivating those thoughts we want to keep.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Finding the Red Tomatoes
We have enjoyed finding and eating ripe red tomatoes from our garden. We didn’t stake or cage them so it’s quite a process to find the red ones. We have to lift up the vines and really search but when we have a glimpse of a red one, we’re motivated to make that search. We know the reward is well worth the effort.
Feelings are like this too. Feelings of anger and resentment, for example, are usually close to the surface, easy to recognize. We don’t have to look very hard to find them. But what’s underneath those feelings? Sometimes we’re afraid to look or we convince ourselves there really isn’t anything else. But there always is.
When couples share their “surface” feelings, I often ask them to “dig deeper”. What’s underneath that? And what’s underneath that? If they’re willing to really make the search, they find that underneath the anger is usually something like hurt or disappointment or concern. Those are like the green tomatoes. And with a little more searching, they too can find the red tomatoes. But sometimes they’re hesitant to make the search – afraid it might be too painful. The truth is, it’s usually just the opposite. Underneath those feelings of hurt and concern are feelings of love and caring and those are the real rewards, the red tomatoes. Those are the feelings they can pick – hold on to – and share with their spouse. Those are the feelings that will nurture their relationship and strengthen their marital bond. They are there, underneath the surface, just like the red tomatoes.
Feelings are like this too. Feelings of anger and resentment, for example, are usually close to the surface, easy to recognize. We don’t have to look very hard to find them. But what’s underneath those feelings? Sometimes we’re afraid to look or we convince ourselves there really isn’t anything else. But there always is.
When couples share their “surface” feelings, I often ask them to “dig deeper”. What’s underneath that? And what’s underneath that? If they’re willing to really make the search, they find that underneath the anger is usually something like hurt or disappointment or concern. Those are like the green tomatoes. And with a little more searching, they too can find the red tomatoes. But sometimes they’re hesitant to make the search – afraid it might be too painful. The truth is, it’s usually just the opposite. Underneath those feelings of hurt and concern are feelings of love and caring and those are the real rewards, the red tomatoes. Those are the feelings they can pick – hold on to – and share with their spouse. Those are the feelings that will nurture their relationship and strengthen their marital bond. They are there, underneath the surface, just like the red tomatoes.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Good Soil: 5-1
We know that in order for plants to grow and thrive, they need good soil. The same is true for marriages. So what is the “good soil” that marriages need? Fortunately, through the research efforts of John Gottman, who has observed married couples for over 30 years, we have some answers. Gottman found that happy, successful marriages had a 5-1 ratio: 5 positives for every 1 negative. In sharing this research with couples, I often ask them to estimate what the ratio is in their relationship. It’s not uncommon to hear answers like “Ours is about 1-5 (1 positive for every 5 negatives)”.
I typically give them homework to really make an effort to find 5 positives to each 1 negative. These positives can include their own thoughts – choosing to look for and notice the good, including remembering good times. They can also include saying and doing positive things - compliments, affection, a kind note, even a smile or a wink. It can also include receiving positives instead of rejecting them. Granted, it will take some effort to turn this ratio around. However, if these efforts are made sincerely, what usually happens is that when it is time to give the 1 negative (after the 5 positives), the “soil” is sufficiently softened so that it is much better received. The person giving the negative sees it in better perspective and gives it in a softer way. Sometimes, it even disappears with the recognition of all the positives they hadn’t noticed before.
Like all living, growing things, marriages need “good soil”.
I typically give them homework to really make an effort to find 5 positives to each 1 negative. These positives can include their own thoughts – choosing to look for and notice the good, including remembering good times. They can also include saying and doing positive things - compliments, affection, a kind note, even a smile or a wink. It can also include receiving positives instead of rejecting them. Granted, it will take some effort to turn this ratio around. However, if these efforts are made sincerely, what usually happens is that when it is time to give the 1 negative (after the 5 positives), the “soil” is sufficiently softened so that it is much better received. The person giving the negative sees it in better perspective and gives it in a softer way. Sometimes, it even disappears with the recognition of all the positives they hadn’t noticed before.
Like all living, growing things, marriages need “good soil”.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Comments from you
Dear Readers,
Some of you said you had difficulty getting your comments posted. I made some adjustments on the settings which should make it easier for you. Please try again. Remember, you're welcome to make a comment on any post at any time. I'd love to hear from you!
Some of you said you had difficulty getting your comments posted. I made some adjustments on the settings which should make it easier for you. Please try again. Remember, you're welcome to make a comment on any post at any time. I'd love to hear from you!
Friday, September 25, 2009
Roots and Stumbles - The Nature of Growth
From time to time people say they think they’ll stop coming to counseling because they’re not seeing any improvement. Specifically, they usually say their spouse isn’t changing. Interestingly enough, when I have these conversations it’s often shortly after a very good session where both husband and wife are beginning to come together and connect. However, they say that while things went well during the session, it wasn’t lasting - when they got home they went back to their old habits. (However, they don’t usually include themselves in that observation of “going back to their old habits” – just their spouse. Interesting how that works.)
I sometimes wonder what expectations we have of the change process, of growth, of improvement, of development in general. If we look at nature, we see how it works. We plant a seed, for example, and don’t go to bed expecting that in the morning we will have delicious fruit ready to pick and eat. We know it will take some time as well as some sunshine, moisture and good soil and cultivation to facilitate the growth of the fruit. We don’t expect to see anything for a while. We just have faith that the roots are growing under the ground even though we can’t see them. We may have to wait quite a while for the stem and leaves to appear, let alone the actual fruit, but we tend to be more patient and kind with our plants. We recognize and have faith in their often uneven and sometimes lengthy process of growth.
We can also look at children. When they first learn to walk, for example, we don’t lose all hope when they stumble or fall or even go back to crawling as they’re getting steadier on their feet. In fact, we expect that. We understand the process of growth and development in children. We’re not only patient and encouraging, we’re thrilled and excited that they took that first step, even knowing they will fall and stumble as they’re developing this new skill.
So why do we have such a different standard for growth, development, improvement in marriage? Maybe, it’s because we don’t realize that marriage is a living, growing thing. But how can it be anything else? It’s a relationship between two living, growing human beings and a living, growing creation itself.
I sometimes wonder what expectations we have of the change process, of growth, of improvement, of development in general. If we look at nature, we see how it works. We plant a seed, for example, and don’t go to bed expecting that in the morning we will have delicious fruit ready to pick and eat. We know it will take some time as well as some sunshine, moisture and good soil and cultivation to facilitate the growth of the fruit. We don’t expect to see anything for a while. We just have faith that the roots are growing under the ground even though we can’t see them. We may have to wait quite a while for the stem and leaves to appear, let alone the actual fruit, but we tend to be more patient and kind with our plants. We recognize and have faith in their often uneven and sometimes lengthy process of growth.
We can also look at children. When they first learn to walk, for example, we don’t lose all hope when they stumble or fall or even go back to crawling as they’re getting steadier on their feet. In fact, we expect that. We understand the process of growth and development in children. We’re not only patient and encouraging, we’re thrilled and excited that they took that first step, even knowing they will fall and stumble as they’re developing this new skill.
So why do we have such a different standard for growth, development, improvement in marriage? Maybe, it’s because we don’t realize that marriage is a living, growing thing. But how can it be anything else? It’s a relationship between two living, growing human beings and a living, growing creation itself.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Receiving
As I listened to a woman talk about her struggles in her relationship with her husband, I recognized that there were several gestures on his part to be conciliatory, to reach out to her but she rejected each one and he finally gave up. It’s so important to “receive” in marriage. I see this so often where one spouse complains about the other not doing certain things but when they make the efforts, they’re ignored, discounted or blatantly rejected. As the cliché goes, marriage is about “give and take". Maybe a better way to describe it is “give and receive”. Receiving in this context is often not a passive thing. Rather, it often takes a lot of “self work” (self-control/self-discipline) to accept efforts from another who has previously withheld them or even done hurtful things. It takes letting go of anger, resentment, disappointment and really humbling oneself to receive the efforts one has requested. If this is not done, the vicious cycle, which both spouses are caught up in, can not be reversed.
“Receiving” is an essential act not just in marriage but in being able to access the gifts the Lord wishes to bless us with. He cannot and will not force these gifts on us. That would go counter to our very purpose of existence – to have agency, to be free to choose so that we can grow and progress, fulfilling our purpose on earth. If we’re not able to willingly and humbly receive gestures from another, how can we receive the greatest gift of all, even the Atonement? It was freely given and must be freely received.
“Receiving” is an essential act not just in marriage but in being able to access the gifts the Lord wishes to bless us with. He cannot and will not force these gifts on us. That would go counter to our very purpose of existence – to have agency, to be free to choose so that we can grow and progress, fulfilling our purpose on earth. If we’re not able to willingly and humbly receive gestures from another, how can we receive the greatest gift of all, even the Atonement? It was freely given and must be freely received.
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