What a thrill it was to watch the Olympics that just ended in Vancouver and share the euphoria of winning with each champion!
The grace and beauty of Kim Yu-Na’s figure skating was breathtaking! The courage of Lindsey Vonn in skiing even when it was painful was inspiring! And, of course, Joannie Rochette gave us all pause as she skated so elegantly even while grieving the recent death of her mother.
The Olympics were inspiring and mesmerizing to watch but for the Olympians, there was something more important than winning medals. For Kim Yu-Na, it was pleasing her country that was counting on her. For Lindsey Vonn, it was being wrapped in the arms of her husband and sharing their joy together. And for Joannie Rochette, it was looking heavenward to her mother and giving her all for her.
Better than winning a gold medal (or any other success) is having a loved one (or loved country) to share it with.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Stonewalling
The dictionary definition of stonewalling is “to behave in an obstructive manner, as by withholding information etc.”
This definition seems to imply that a stonewaller is intentionally trying to obstruct or prevent progress by withholding information etc. Often his or her actions and words (or usually lack of actions or words) are seen as not caring or being involved in the relationship. “Why won’t you say something?” is a common complaint about a stonewaller.
Interestingly enough, however, when questioned a little further, what I have found is that stonewallers almost always withhold information or withdraw not because they don’t care but, in fact, because they do care. What has happened is that they have come to the conclusion that virtually anything they say is probably going to make things worse. Therefore, they have chosen to protect the relationship from getting worse by not saying anything.
An alternative for stonewalling, then, is to simply verbalize those thoughts and feelings. “I know it bothers you when I don’t talk but it seems like whenever I say something it makes things worse. I do care about you and our relationship and I don’t want it to get worse.” That would be a first and very important step for a stonewaller, especially the acknowledgement of caring, which most likely, the other spouse has not seen.
Hopefully, with that sincere explanation, the other spouse will be a little more patient and understanding so that when the stonewaller does muster up the courage to say something else, it will be better received and he or she won’t feel the need to withdraw further.
The most important thing in relationships is not whether spouses say the right words or don’t say the wrong words. Rather, it’s an understanding and a feeling or belief that each truly cares about the other and the relationship.
This definition seems to imply that a stonewaller is intentionally trying to obstruct or prevent progress by withholding information etc. Often his or her actions and words (or usually lack of actions or words) are seen as not caring or being involved in the relationship. “Why won’t you say something?” is a common complaint about a stonewaller.
Interestingly enough, however, when questioned a little further, what I have found is that stonewallers almost always withhold information or withdraw not because they don’t care but, in fact, because they do care. What has happened is that they have come to the conclusion that virtually anything they say is probably going to make things worse. Therefore, they have chosen to protect the relationship from getting worse by not saying anything.
An alternative for stonewalling, then, is to simply verbalize those thoughts and feelings. “I know it bothers you when I don’t talk but it seems like whenever I say something it makes things worse. I do care about you and our relationship and I don’t want it to get worse.” That would be a first and very important step for a stonewaller, especially the acknowledgement of caring, which most likely, the other spouse has not seen.
Hopefully, with that sincere explanation, the other spouse will be a little more patient and understanding so that when the stonewaller does muster up the courage to say something else, it will be better received and he or she won’t feel the need to withdraw further.
The most important thing in relationships is not whether spouses say the right words or don’t say the wrong words. Rather, it’s an understanding and a feeling or belief that each truly cares about the other and the relationship.
Monday, February 15, 2010
The Other Horsemen (Weed Control)
I have offered alternatives and antidotes to criticism and defensiveness, two of the destructive “horsemen” Gottman referred to that would destroy marriages (see post “Other Destructive Weeds”, November 6, 2009 as well as following posts). But what about contempt and stonewalling, the other two “horsemen”?
First, contempt. The dictionary definition of contempt states: “the feeling one has toward somebody or something one considers low, worthless, etc.” In other words, when we feel contempt, we don’t just criticize the actions of the other, we criticize their character, the essence of who they are. It is also important to note that whereas criticizing is something we do, contempt is something we feel.
It is important to understand that feelings are only as real or true as the thoughts that precede them. Just because we feel that a person is worthless, a jerk, a low-life etc., does not mean that they really are. In fact, it has much more to do with our perception, either of the other person or of our relationship (particularly hurts, unintentional or not, that we have received). In fact, sometimes a spouse will state something to the effect that he or she wasn’t there when they needed them or in a really honest moment “Why wouldn’t they fight for me?”
To change our feelings, we need to first change our thoughts. So alternatives and antidotes for contempt are really the same as those for criticism and defensiveness –addressing the real underlying hurts and concerns, choosing to focus more on the positive, having “goodwill”, empathy etc. We can also try to remember how we felt when we first met and were getting to know each other, what attracted us to each other then and choose to focus more on those thoughts and feelings now.
First, contempt. The dictionary definition of contempt states: “the feeling one has toward somebody or something one considers low, worthless, etc.” In other words, when we feel contempt, we don’t just criticize the actions of the other, we criticize their character, the essence of who they are. It is also important to note that whereas criticizing is something we do, contempt is something we feel.
It is important to understand that feelings are only as real or true as the thoughts that precede them. Just because we feel that a person is worthless, a jerk, a low-life etc., does not mean that they really are. In fact, it has much more to do with our perception, either of the other person or of our relationship (particularly hurts, unintentional or not, that we have received). In fact, sometimes a spouse will state something to the effect that he or she wasn’t there when they needed them or in a really honest moment “Why wouldn’t they fight for me?”
To change our feelings, we need to first change our thoughts. So alternatives and antidotes for contempt are really the same as those for criticism and defensiveness –addressing the real underlying hurts and concerns, choosing to focus more on the positive, having “goodwill”, empathy etc. We can also try to remember how we felt when we first met and were getting to know each other, what attracted us to each other then and choose to focus more on those thoughts and feelings now.
Friday, February 5, 2010
"Bummer"
We had an experience recently that really helped me see the problems that defensiveness creates as well as the healing power of empathy.
We were at the airport prepared to take our return flight home and in checking departure times, saw that our flight had been cancelled. No one had notified us and when we checked it, everything was as scheduled. This was disturbing news, of course, and when we went to the gate counter to inquire about this (admittedly with some frustration), the attendant coolly explained that it was weather related so not their fault (no free meal) and that our “travel agent” (which was an on-line service) should have notified us. The more she explained and defended the airline, the more frustrated we became. It was obvious she didn’t care about us. (That is generally the feeling we have when someone acts defensively – that they don’t care about us, they are more interested in defending their position. We feel alienated).
On the positive side, after we ate breakfast (since we had plenty of time), we went back to the gate counter and found a different attendant was there. We explained our situation to her with the same amount of frustration but this attendant said one word that made all the difference - “bummer”. She said it sincerely and then made an effort to help us, to check what flights were available etc. We appreciated her helpfulness and especially her empathy. We felt that she cared about us, that she was on our side.
The question we may want to ask ourselves when we’re tempted to act defensively is “What is our goal?” We can always find reasons to defend ourselves but do we want to be alienated or connected? Defensiveness alienates us from each other. Empathy, seeing things from the other’s perspective and expressing that, makes us feel cared for and connected.
We were at the airport prepared to take our return flight home and in checking departure times, saw that our flight had been cancelled. No one had notified us and when we checked it, everything was as scheduled. This was disturbing news, of course, and when we went to the gate counter to inquire about this (admittedly with some frustration), the attendant coolly explained that it was weather related so not their fault (no free meal) and that our “travel agent” (which was an on-line service) should have notified us. The more she explained and defended the airline, the more frustrated we became. It was obvious she didn’t care about us. (That is generally the feeling we have when someone acts defensively – that they don’t care about us, they are more interested in defending their position. We feel alienated).
On the positive side, after we ate breakfast (since we had plenty of time), we went back to the gate counter and found a different attendant was there. We explained our situation to her with the same amount of frustration but this attendant said one word that made all the difference - “bummer”. She said it sincerely and then made an effort to help us, to check what flights were available etc. We appreciated her helpfulness and especially her empathy. We felt that she cared about us, that she was on our side.
The question we may want to ask ourselves when we’re tempted to act defensively is “What is our goal?” We can always find reasons to defend ourselves but do we want to be alienated or connected? Defensiveness alienates us from each other. Empathy, seeing things from the other’s perspective and expressing that, makes us feel cared for and connected.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
The Disarming Technique: An Alternative to Defensiveness
John Gottman, in his study and observation of marriages, has pointed out four behaviors that he says, if left uncorrected, will destroy marriages. He calls them the “4 horsemen of the apocalypse”. They are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.
(see “Other Destructive Weeds”, Nov. 6, 2009 post to this blog).
Previous posts have dealt with alternatives to criticism. There are, no doubt, many other alternatives as well and I would encourage you to come up with some of your own. However, I have decided to move on to the next “horseman” and describe an alternative to defensiveness.
When we feel threatened or attacked, our first impulse is almost always to defend ourselves. However, this usually ends up moving us further away from our loved one and ends up making both of us feel even less connected, exactly what we don’t want.
So the first alternative to defensiveness is rather than to defend yourself, to actually look for and find something you can agree with. This takes a lot of courage, humility and will power but is very effective. David Burns, in his book, Feeling Good, refers to it as “the disarming technique” because it emotionally “disarms” the other person.
If someone accuses you of being rude, for example, instead of pointing out that you were not being rude and explaining, justifying (defending) your behavior, you can simply say, “You know, I agree. That probably did sound pretty rude when I said that. Thank you for letting me know.” What can the other person say? He or she was probably all geared up for a fight but with your response, there’s nothing to fight about anymore. And you’ve opened up the dialogue so you can talk and work together as friends and allies, rather than as opponents and enemies.
(see “Other Destructive Weeds”, Nov. 6, 2009 post to this blog).
Previous posts have dealt with alternatives to criticism. There are, no doubt, many other alternatives as well and I would encourage you to come up with some of your own. However, I have decided to move on to the next “horseman” and describe an alternative to defensiveness.
When we feel threatened or attacked, our first impulse is almost always to defend ourselves. However, this usually ends up moving us further away from our loved one and ends up making both of us feel even less connected, exactly what we don’t want.
So the first alternative to defensiveness is rather than to defend yourself, to actually look for and find something you can agree with. This takes a lot of courage, humility and will power but is very effective. David Burns, in his book, Feeling Good, refers to it as “the disarming technique” because it emotionally “disarms” the other person.
If someone accuses you of being rude, for example, instead of pointing out that you were not being rude and explaining, justifying (defending) your behavior, you can simply say, “You know, I agree. That probably did sound pretty rude when I said that. Thank you for letting me know.” What can the other person say? He or she was probably all geared up for a fight but with your response, there’s nothing to fight about anymore. And you’ve opened up the dialogue so you can talk and work together as friends and allies, rather than as opponents and enemies.
Friday, January 15, 2010
New Year's Resolution: Celebrate Success!
When I work with couples (or even individuals) I often hear complaints, as you would expect. Almost always, though, within the complaint is an acknowledgement of some success. Usually, the “successes” are down-played and the “failures” are emphasized. However, the fact that they (the successes) are even mentioned shows that they are noted, just dismissed.
My suggestion (and new year’s resolution) is to pay more attention to successes, to progress along the way. The reality is, it will take quite a while to obtain perfection in relationships or in anything. Even when we feel one area has improved, there’s always the next area. So when do we celebrate? Certainly, waiting for perfection is a very long wait! So why not just celebrate along the way? Celebrate each success, each little bit of progress, each effort!
Let’s make 2010 a year to celebrate!
My suggestion (and new year’s resolution) is to pay more attention to successes, to progress along the way. The reality is, it will take quite a while to obtain perfection in relationships or in anything. Even when we feel one area has improved, there’s always the next area. So when do we celebrate? Certainly, waiting for perfection is a very long wait! So why not just celebrate along the way? Celebrate each success, each little bit of progress, each effort!
Let’s make 2010 a year to celebrate!
Monday, December 14, 2009
Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward Men
An Antidote to Criticism
We are all familiar with the angels’ words to the shepherds in announcing the birth of Jesus. They promised “peace on earth, good will toward men”.
We tend to focus on “peace on earth” – of course, something we all desire. However, we need to ponder more carefully “good will toward men” because that’s what creates peace on earth.
What does “good will” mean? "Will" is our power to choose. It is also our wish, desire or attitude. Thus, “good will toward men” means we choose to view others in a good, positive way.
On the other hand, when we criticize others, we are seldom looking at them in a positive way but rather in a negative way. We could say we have “bad will toward men”.
An antidote for criticism, then, is to choose to see others in a more positive light. We may still make requests or give suggestions but we make them with respect and good will.
We are all familiar with the angels’ words to the shepherds in announcing the birth of Jesus. They promised “peace on earth, good will toward men”.
We tend to focus on “peace on earth” – of course, something we all desire. However, we need to ponder more carefully “good will toward men” because that’s what creates peace on earth.
What does “good will” mean? "Will" is our power to choose. It is also our wish, desire or attitude. Thus, “good will toward men” means we choose to view others in a good, positive way.
On the other hand, when we criticize others, we are seldom looking at them in a positive way but rather in a negative way. We could say we have “bad will toward men”.
An antidote for criticism, then, is to choose to see others in a more positive light. We may still make requests or give suggestions but we make them with respect and good will.
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