My granddaughter’s favorite story is The Three Little Pigs. We all know the story. The pigs that built their houses out of straw and sticks saw them blown away by the big bad wolf. Fortunately, the third pig had the wisdom to build a sturdy house out of bricks, one that could not be blown away when the big bad wolf came.
The third pig took more time to build his house. He put mortar between each brick to bind them together for a strong and impenetrable house. He could have just stacked the bricks, maybe putting a little mortar here and there, and then gone off to play with his brothers. But then his house would have been blown away too and none of them would have had a safe refuge.
As we build our marriages (and yes, that is what we’re doing – building – marriages don’t come ready-made), we can learn a lot from The Three Little Pigs. It may seem more fun to be haphazard about things and not put thoughtful effort into our marriages. However, if we choose to do things that way, like the little pigs who built their houses out of straw and sticks, we may find that we don't have the strength we need when the threatening “winds” come (and they will come!)
We really can’t afford to just stack our bricks either. And we do this a lot. We have communication (the bricks) but we don’t really listen and acknowledge what the other person says. Instead, we try to “one-up” each other. “You think you had a bad day. You should have seen mine.” We have a lot of “conversations” but we don’t really connect.
We can put mortar between our bricks by listening and acknowledging what the other person says, whether or not we agree or whether or not we think it’s important. “Wow! It sounds like you really had a hard time.” This simple act of listening and acknowledging binds us together. It connects us and strengthens our relationship. It makes us feel safe and secure.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Choices and Climbing Vines
Last summer we grew honey dew, cantaloupe and watermelons in our garden beds. However, we didn’t realize how far reaching their climbing vines would be. We often found vines far away from the garden beds, climbing around other plants. It was hard to tell what vine belonged to what plant, what needed to be cut back and what needed more room to grow. In short, the vines had taken over!
How often do we let other things “take over” our lives? Just like the climbing vines, we don’t realize how far reaching and intertwining they are. And, to be honest, sometimes it’s just easier to let other things “take over” our lives. It frees us up from having to choose and think for ourselves.
For example, with the news and commentary about the news available 24 hours a day, how often do we just let the commentators do our thinking for us? Or how often do we just react to other people, what they say, what they do, instead of choosing our own actions, our own values? There are plenty of “climbing vines” out there and they can virtually take over our lives if we allow them to.
But we don’t have to let them take over our lives. We can choose to cut them back or better yet, to not let them take over in the first place. Instead of turning on the TV, we can choose to look inward, to determine what is important to us, what we value and then make decisions accordingly. We can choose to listen more to our spouse, to be the first to say something positive, to express appreciation instead of just reacting to them. Granted, this takes more effort and more personal accountability. But it’s also very liberating and empowering! Instead of letting the “climbing vines” take over our lives, we realize we are in charge and we see more clearly who we are and what a difference we can make!
How often do we let other things “take over” our lives? Just like the climbing vines, we don’t realize how far reaching and intertwining they are. And, to be honest, sometimes it’s just easier to let other things “take over” our lives. It frees us up from having to choose and think for ourselves.
For example, with the news and commentary about the news available 24 hours a day, how often do we just let the commentators do our thinking for us? Or how often do we just react to other people, what they say, what they do, instead of choosing our own actions, our own values? There are plenty of “climbing vines” out there and they can virtually take over our lives if we allow them to.
But we don’t have to let them take over our lives. We can choose to cut them back or better yet, to not let them take over in the first place. Instead of turning on the TV, we can choose to look inward, to determine what is important to us, what we value and then make decisions accordingly. We can choose to listen more to our spouse, to be the first to say something positive, to express appreciation instead of just reacting to them. Granted, this takes more effort and more personal accountability. But it’s also very liberating and empowering! Instead of letting the “climbing vines” take over our lives, we realize we are in charge and we see more clearly who we are and what a difference we can make!
Monday, February 21, 2011
Choices
Every day, every hour, every minute, we have choices to make. Some choices like stealing, cheating, purposely harming someone, are obviously poor choices. They end up hurting us as well as others. Our consciences help us avoid making these kinds of choices.
Then there are the other kinds of choices: the choices between good things – helping people, improving ourselves, spending time with friends and family. These are all good choices. No one would argue with that. The problem is we only have so much time, so much energy, so much money. We have to choose what good things we will do with the time, energy and money that we have.
What criteria can we use to make these choices? One thing we can do is look at lasting consequences – not just what’s good today but what will make a difference tomorrow and ten years from now. For example, we could reason that while spending time with friends seems very important right now, will it be as important ten years from now? Likewise, while taking a class will certainly be an opportunity to improve ourselves, will it matter that much ten years from now?
There are no easy answers to these questions. These are the kinds of choices we struggle with. Maybe it really will make a difference ten years from now or maybe it won’t. How can we know? Often, we just find out by trial and error.
There are, however, some things that we do know. We know that relationships need time and energy to grow and develop. They do not grow and develop by themselves. We also know that some relationships are more important than others. We know that when we are married and have families our primary relationships – our relationship with our spouse, with our children – are the most important relationships. The strength of those bonds directly affects the quality of our lives. They are as vital as the air that we breathe.
Every day, every hour, every minute we have choices to make. Think good and hard about the choices you make.
Then there are the other kinds of choices: the choices between good things – helping people, improving ourselves, spending time with friends and family. These are all good choices. No one would argue with that. The problem is we only have so much time, so much energy, so much money. We have to choose what good things we will do with the time, energy and money that we have.
What criteria can we use to make these choices? One thing we can do is look at lasting consequences – not just what’s good today but what will make a difference tomorrow and ten years from now. For example, we could reason that while spending time with friends seems very important right now, will it be as important ten years from now? Likewise, while taking a class will certainly be an opportunity to improve ourselves, will it matter that much ten years from now?
There are no easy answers to these questions. These are the kinds of choices we struggle with. Maybe it really will make a difference ten years from now or maybe it won’t. How can we know? Often, we just find out by trial and error.
There are, however, some things that we do know. We know that relationships need time and energy to grow and develop. They do not grow and develop by themselves. We also know that some relationships are more important than others. We know that when we are married and have families our primary relationships – our relationship with our spouse, with our children – are the most important relationships. The strength of those bonds directly affects the quality of our lives. They are as vital as the air that we breathe.
Every day, every hour, every minute we have choices to make. Think good and hard about the choices you make.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Boggle and Life
I did it! Yesterday I found an eight-letter word in Boggle!
If you’re not familiar with Boggle, it’s a game where you have three minutes to make words based on the letters in front of you after shaking them up. Typically, you’re able to find 3 or 4 letter words (worth 1 point each) – occasionally a 5 or 6 letter word (2 and 3 points each) and maybe once in a while a 7-letter word (5 points). Eight-letter words are so rare that you get 11 points for them.
I was so thrilled! It wasn’t something I expected but there it was right in front of me: t-o-r-r-e-n-t-s.
Isn’t this true of life too? We’re just minding our own business, plodding along, doing what we need to do, and all of a sudden - seemingly out of nowhere - something wonderful happens. We find that eight-letter word. Our child gives us a wonderful compliment. We have a euphoric connection with our spouse. Everything makes sense and we feel so much joy we could burst.
It doesn’t happen all the time. We go for long periods of time finding only 3 and 4 letter words. Sometimes we’re happy to find any words. But we don’t give up. We keep going. We keep trying. We learn to find satisfaction in little things – even just knowing that we’re doing what we need to be doing.
No, it doesn’t happen all the time. Perhaps, if it did it would be too much for us to handle – too torrential! But when it does happen – when we do get that wonderful compliment, when we do feel that euphoric connection, when we find that eight-letter word - it puts a little extra spring in our step and we know that every once in while, when we’re least expecting it, something wonderful can happen!
If you’re not familiar with Boggle, it’s a game where you have three minutes to make words based on the letters in front of you after shaking them up. Typically, you’re able to find 3 or 4 letter words (worth 1 point each) – occasionally a 5 or 6 letter word (2 and 3 points each) and maybe once in a while a 7-letter word (5 points). Eight-letter words are so rare that you get 11 points for them.
I was so thrilled! It wasn’t something I expected but there it was right in front of me: t-o-r-r-e-n-t-s.
Isn’t this true of life too? We’re just minding our own business, plodding along, doing what we need to do, and all of a sudden - seemingly out of nowhere - something wonderful happens. We find that eight-letter word. Our child gives us a wonderful compliment. We have a euphoric connection with our spouse. Everything makes sense and we feel so much joy we could burst.
It doesn’t happen all the time. We go for long periods of time finding only 3 and 4 letter words. Sometimes we’re happy to find any words. But we don’t give up. We keep going. We keep trying. We learn to find satisfaction in little things – even just knowing that we’re doing what we need to be doing.
No, it doesn’t happen all the time. Perhaps, if it did it would be too much for us to handle – too torrential! But when it does happen – when we do get that wonderful compliment, when we do feel that euphoric connection, when we find that eight-letter word - it puts a little extra spring in our step and we know that every once in while, when we’re least expecting it, something wonderful can happen!
Friday, January 14, 2011
The Power of Apology
Jill arrived at our counseling session a few minutes before her husband, who was stuck in traffic. While we were waiting Jill made an interesting comment. “Maybe I just need to apologize to him but I don’t know what for.”
Giving a sincere apology is a challenge for many people. I think one of the problems many of us have is that we look at an apology primarily as an admission of guilt rather than as a healing balm to the relationship.
The truth is, it really isn’t so important who is right and who is wrong. What is important is that there is a wound that needs to be healed and an apology is a wonderful way (often needful way) to begin that healing process. To effectively use the healing balm of an apology, we need to first swallow our pride and let go of the need to be right. We need to not be so concerned about protecting our own ego as we are of removing the wedge that is interfering with our having a strong, close, loving relationship. A sincere, heartfelt apology can do that.
And as we look at apology in this way, of course we will not limit how often we apologize, thinking somehow we’ve apologized “enough”.
Instead we will look at saying “I’m sorry” in a similar way that we look at saying “I love you”. They are both words of caring, of healing, of connecting, of bonding.
Jill did apologize to her husband once she understood this. She found the words and didn’t worry about “what for”. She began the healing process.
Giving a sincere apology is a challenge for many people. I think one of the problems many of us have is that we look at an apology primarily as an admission of guilt rather than as a healing balm to the relationship.
The truth is, it really isn’t so important who is right and who is wrong. What is important is that there is a wound that needs to be healed and an apology is a wonderful way (often needful way) to begin that healing process. To effectively use the healing balm of an apology, we need to first swallow our pride and let go of the need to be right. We need to not be so concerned about protecting our own ego as we are of removing the wedge that is interfering with our having a strong, close, loving relationship. A sincere, heartfelt apology can do that.
And as we look at apology in this way, of course we will not limit how often we apologize, thinking somehow we’ve apologized “enough”.
Instead we will look at saying “I’m sorry” in a similar way that we look at saying “I love you”. They are both words of caring, of healing, of connecting, of bonding.
Jill did apologize to her husband once she understood this. She found the words and didn’t worry about “what for”. She began the healing process.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Looking for the Good - The Road Less Traveled
In Robert Frost’s poignant poem “The Road Not Taken” he ends with the famous lines:
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I –
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”
There are many interpretations of what the road less traveled is. It can be a career choice, a romantic choice or a series of choices that lead to a positive result. However, as we approach the new year and are thinking about resolutions and goals, I would like to suggest that we look at the road less traveled as a whole mind-set or attitude of looking for the good.
In every relationship and in every person, we can choose to notice and focus on faults and short-comings. We all have them. Every relationship has them. They are easy to find and plenty to go around. We certainly can choose to take this “road”. However, we need to realize that by choosing this “road” of focusing on faults, it will make “all the difference” in the quality of our relationships.
Now, of course, there are some “faults”, such as blatant abuse of any kind, that certainly need to be addressed and should not be ignored. However, there are also a multitude of other “faults” that may not only be deteriorating to our relationships if we allow ourselves to dwell on them, but may also block our view from seeing the good that is also in every person and every relationship.
The reality is none of us, or our relationships, are completely perfect or completely awful. We are a mixture of good and bad, strengths and weaknesses.
Just as we can choose the “road” of focusing on faults, we can also choose the “road less traveled”, the “road” of looking for the good, of accentuating the positive, of strengthening our relationships. That road, though less traveled, is just as real and just as possible for us to take. And choosing to take it will make “all the difference” in the quality of our relationships.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I –
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”
There are many interpretations of what the road less traveled is. It can be a career choice, a romantic choice or a series of choices that lead to a positive result. However, as we approach the new year and are thinking about resolutions and goals, I would like to suggest that we look at the road less traveled as a whole mind-set or attitude of looking for the good.
In every relationship and in every person, we can choose to notice and focus on faults and short-comings. We all have them. Every relationship has them. They are easy to find and plenty to go around. We certainly can choose to take this “road”. However, we need to realize that by choosing this “road” of focusing on faults, it will make “all the difference” in the quality of our relationships.
Now, of course, there are some “faults”, such as blatant abuse of any kind, that certainly need to be addressed and should not be ignored. However, there are also a multitude of other “faults” that may not only be deteriorating to our relationships if we allow ourselves to dwell on them, but may also block our view from seeing the good that is also in every person and every relationship.
The reality is none of us, or our relationships, are completely perfect or completely awful. We are a mixture of good and bad, strengths and weaknesses.
Just as we can choose the “road” of focusing on faults, we can also choose the “road less traveled”, the “road” of looking for the good, of accentuating the positive, of strengthening our relationships. That road, though less traveled, is just as real and just as possible for us to take. And choosing to take it will make “all the difference” in the quality of our relationships.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Simplify and Live More Fully - The True Meaning of Christmas
As I was visiting with Jim and Linda (not their real names), the discussion evolved into one where each began articulating what was really important to them. It turned out it wasn’t having a nicer home, an expensive vacation or even more income – all concerns they had voiced previously.
What was really important to them, it turned out, was just spending time together – talking about ideas and enjoying each other’s company. In fact, as they reminisced, it turned out they had been happiest when they had less because they were focused less on things and more on enjoying each other and valuing their relationship.
At Christmas-time, it seems that we often get caught up in the business of the season – putting up grand displays of lights and decorations, letting ourselves be enticed by all the advertisements, believing we need the newest tool, gadget, or appliance. And yet, what is the meaning of Christmas? What is the true purpose of the occasion we celebrate on December 25th?
Isn’t it a story of a very humble birth, a very simple occasion? Yes, there were angels singing and wise men bringing gifts, but with reverence and focused attention on the divine birth. Shepherds and their sheep were also there. Isn’t Christmas a time to remember the message of the babe that was born? We are not here just to accumulate things but rather to learn to love and value each other. Indeed, as Jim and Linda realized – to simplify and live more fully.
What was really important to them, it turned out, was just spending time together – talking about ideas and enjoying each other’s company. In fact, as they reminisced, it turned out they had been happiest when they had less because they were focused less on things and more on enjoying each other and valuing their relationship.
At Christmas-time, it seems that we often get caught up in the business of the season – putting up grand displays of lights and decorations, letting ourselves be enticed by all the advertisements, believing we need the newest tool, gadget, or appliance. And yet, what is the meaning of Christmas? What is the true purpose of the occasion we celebrate on December 25th?
Isn’t it a story of a very humble birth, a very simple occasion? Yes, there were angels singing and wise men bringing gifts, but with reverence and focused attention on the divine birth. Shepherds and their sheep were also there. Isn’t Christmas a time to remember the message of the babe that was born? We are not here just to accumulate things but rather to learn to love and value each other. Indeed, as Jim and Linda realized – to simplify and live more fully.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Male and Female Brains
Couples will often comment “We just don’t think the same way.” And they’re right. Men and women’s brains are different. They literally do not function the same way.
For example, from infancy girl brains are more interested in people and communicating while boy brains are more interested in objects and actions. The fact that these differences show up early in infancy
means they are not learned but are “hard-wired”.
Women also have more “connectors” between the left and right hemispheres of the brain so it is easier for them to access both parts of their brain. It has been said that navigating between the right and left brains in women is like a four-lane freeway, whereas in men it is like a winding country road or even a pathway in the woods.
These brain differences explain why men have a harder time accessing their feelings and why women are more concerned about relationships. Both feelings and relationships are a function of the right brain. Because men have a harder time accessing both hemispheres, they generally operate from their left brain which is more task-oriented and logical.
It is good for husbands to understand these differences - that their wives are not just being “over-emotional”, for example, they simply have more access to their emotions. It is also good for wives to understand that their husbands are not “uncaring”, it is simply harder for them to access their emotions. Both husbands and wives need to be patient and willing to learn from each other. Our brains really are different.
For example, from infancy girl brains are more interested in people and communicating while boy brains are more interested in objects and actions. The fact that these differences show up early in infancy
means they are not learned but are “hard-wired”.
Women also have more “connectors” between the left and right hemispheres of the brain so it is easier for them to access both parts of their brain. It has been said that navigating between the right and left brains in women is like a four-lane freeway, whereas in men it is like a winding country road or even a pathway in the woods.
These brain differences explain why men have a harder time accessing their feelings and why women are more concerned about relationships. Both feelings and relationships are a function of the right brain. Because men have a harder time accessing both hemispheres, they generally operate from their left brain which is more task-oriented and logical.
It is good for husbands to understand these differences - that their wives are not just being “over-emotional”, for example, they simply have more access to their emotions. It is also good for wives to understand that their husbands are not “uncaring”, it is simply harder for them to access their emotions. Both husbands and wives need to be patient and willing to learn from each other. Our brains really are different.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Thanksgiving
Next week we celebrate Thanksgiving, a holiday that has come to mean getting together with our families and loved ones, enjoying the traditional turkey dinner and giving thanks.
It is a good time also to reflect back on that first Thanksgiving in 1621 when the Pilgrims and Indians gathered together to give thanks for their bountiful harvest. The year before nearly half of the Pilgrims died from hunger and disease after a very difficult journey to America.
Fortunately, the Pilgrims found friendly and helpful Native Americans (Indians) in this new land who taught them how to build houses, hunt for food, plant corn and other crops and literally to survive.
As we gather with our families for Thanksgiving, it would be good for us to reflect on this first Thanksgiving. Just like the Pilgrims and Indians, we can learn so very much from each other as husbands and wives if we are willing to share new ideas and receive new ways of doing things. In fact, that is what marriage is – sharing and growing together – not just “me” and “you” but “us”.
No matter how long we’ve been in this “new land of marriage” there are always things we can learn from each other. And as we are willing to continually be open to this, our marriages will not only survive, but will grow and prosper.
Happy Thanksgiving!
It is a good time also to reflect back on that first Thanksgiving in 1621 when the Pilgrims and Indians gathered together to give thanks for their bountiful harvest. The year before nearly half of the Pilgrims died from hunger and disease after a very difficult journey to America.
Fortunately, the Pilgrims found friendly and helpful Native Americans (Indians) in this new land who taught them how to build houses, hunt for food, plant corn and other crops and literally to survive.
As we gather with our families for Thanksgiving, it would be good for us to reflect on this first Thanksgiving. Just like the Pilgrims and Indians, we can learn so very much from each other as husbands and wives if we are willing to share new ideas and receive new ways of doing things. In fact, that is what marriage is – sharing and growing together – not just “me” and “you” but “us”.
No matter how long we’ve been in this “new land of marriage” there are always things we can learn from each other. And as we are willing to continually be open to this, our marriages will not only survive, but will grow and prosper.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Friday, November 5, 2010
Phases of the Moon
My husband and I enjoy going for walks at night. I love to look up at the sky and see the stars and the moon as we walk. We’ve seen full moons, half moons and crescent moons. However, the last few nights we haven’t been able to see the moon at all. It’s been disappointing. Of course, we know the moon is not really gone – it is always orbiting around the earth – it’s just out of our view for now.
So it is with feelings of love. Sometimes they’re full and robust like the full moon. Other times they’re less intense, more like the half moon. And at other times our feelings are like the crescent moon, barely noticeable at all. But as long as we can feel anything we seem to be OK.
Sometimes, though, just like the “moonless sky”, we don’t feel anything at all. Couples who come in for counseling frequently lament that they just don’t have “those feelings” anymore. “They’re gone”, they say. It’s interesting that as they complain about the different problems in their relationship, the thing that often stands out the most to them is that they just don’t have “those feelings” anymore. The implication seems to be that even if they were to improve their relationship – work on overcoming their problems – the feelings would still be permanently, irretrievably gone.
The truth is, though, feelings change all the time and absolutely can and do come back. What we need to do during those times when we don’t feel anything (when we can’t see the moon) is to just continue walking by the light of the stars, having faith that as we continue to put one foot in front of the other - keeping our commitments - our feelings of love will come back, just like the phases of the moon.
So it is with feelings of love. Sometimes they’re full and robust like the full moon. Other times they’re less intense, more like the half moon. And at other times our feelings are like the crescent moon, barely noticeable at all. But as long as we can feel anything we seem to be OK.
Sometimes, though, just like the “moonless sky”, we don’t feel anything at all. Couples who come in for counseling frequently lament that they just don’t have “those feelings” anymore. “They’re gone”, they say. It’s interesting that as they complain about the different problems in their relationship, the thing that often stands out the most to them is that they just don’t have “those feelings” anymore. The implication seems to be that even if they were to improve their relationship – work on overcoming their problems – the feelings would still be permanently, irretrievably gone.
The truth is, though, feelings change all the time and absolutely can and do come back. What we need to do during those times when we don’t feel anything (when we can’t see the moon) is to just continue walking by the light of the stars, having faith that as we continue to put one foot in front of the other - keeping our commitments - our feelings of love will come back, just like the phases of the moon.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Masks
Every October we celebrate Halloween and see children (and others) wearing an assortment of costumes and masks. Featured are monsters, witches, goblins and ghosts as well as favorite cartoon characters, movie heroes and beautiful smiling princesses.
It’s interesting how often we wear masks, not just at Halloween but throughout the year. Sometimes we wear monster masks to scare children. “Clean your room now or you’ll be grounded for a month!” Other times we wear smiling beautiful princess masks. “Everything is just fine” (but underneath is a very sad and lonely face).
And sometimes we change masks several times during the day depending on the occasion and with whom we’re talking. We may start out in the morning as a witch, later change into our Cinderella mask, put on the monster mask when the kids come home from school, and our beautiful smiling princess mask as we greet friends in the evening. It’s amazing how adept we can be at changing masks throughout the day. Masks can be fun and perhaps, at times even serve some useful purpose, as long as we know that’s what they are – masks - not us.
However, therein lies the problem. Sometimes others and even we ourselves don’t realize all we’re doing is wearing masks. If work isn’t done on the inside, the lonely sad face will continue, no matter how faithfully we wear the smiling princess mask. And sometimes if that is all we allow others to see, we don’t give them the chance to help us smile on the inside too.
It can take tremendous courage to remove our masks and risk whether we will be loved and accepted for who we really are. This may involve coming into an “awful recognition” of our vulnerabilities and weaknesses. How tempting to put the mask back on! And yet, only as we are vulnerable and real are we able to truly give and receive love. Only as we remove our masks are we able to feel real joy.
It’s interesting how often we wear masks, not just at Halloween but throughout the year. Sometimes we wear monster masks to scare children. “Clean your room now or you’ll be grounded for a month!” Other times we wear smiling beautiful princess masks. “Everything is just fine” (but underneath is a very sad and lonely face).
And sometimes we change masks several times during the day depending on the occasion and with whom we’re talking. We may start out in the morning as a witch, later change into our Cinderella mask, put on the monster mask when the kids come home from school, and our beautiful smiling princess mask as we greet friends in the evening. It’s amazing how adept we can be at changing masks throughout the day. Masks can be fun and perhaps, at times even serve some useful purpose, as long as we know that’s what they are – masks - not us.
However, therein lies the problem. Sometimes others and even we ourselves don’t realize all we’re doing is wearing masks. If work isn’t done on the inside, the lonely sad face will continue, no matter how faithfully we wear the smiling princess mask. And sometimes if that is all we allow others to see, we don’t give them the chance to help us smile on the inside too.
It can take tremendous courage to remove our masks and risk whether we will be loved and accepted for who we really are. This may involve coming into an “awful recognition” of our vulnerabilities and weaknesses. How tempting to put the mask back on! And yet, only as we are vulnerable and real are we able to truly give and receive love. Only as we remove our masks are we able to feel real joy.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Healing Emotional Wounds - Part 2 - "It Takes Time"
When Jill and Fred (not their real names, of course) came in for counseling, Jill talked about how she was still hurting because of something Fred had done. Fred quickly pointed out, rather impatiently, that he had apologized for that. The implication seemed to be that since he had apologized, Jill should not be talking about her pain anymore (and maybe not even feeling her pain anymore).
Wouldn’t it be lovely if it were that easy!
“I’m sorry that you tripped over my brief case and cut your head open. And now that I have apologized, it should no longer hurt and let’s just move on to other things.”
Of course, that’s ludicrous. No one would say that. We all know intuitively (and probably from experience) that physical wounds take time to heal and often continue to hurt even after the appropriate dressing has been applied. We are sensitive to this when our loved ones are hurt physically. We treat them with kindness and tenderness and go out of our way to be there for them until their wound is healed.
And yet, emotional wounds also take time to heal. A sincere apology may be like dressing a physical wound. It is very important – even vital - in the process of healing but it does not negate the need for time in the healing process. It also does not ensure that the wound won’t still hurt for a while. A wise and loving spouse will recognize this and give his or her partner the time and support that is needed for healing. With this patience, love and support, the wound is not only allowed to fully heal but the relationship is strengthened as well.
Wouldn’t it be lovely if it were that easy!
“I’m sorry that you tripped over my brief case and cut your head open. And now that I have apologized, it should no longer hurt and let’s just move on to other things.”
Of course, that’s ludicrous. No one would say that. We all know intuitively (and probably from experience) that physical wounds take time to heal and often continue to hurt even after the appropriate dressing has been applied. We are sensitive to this when our loved ones are hurt physically. We treat them with kindness and tenderness and go out of our way to be there for them until their wound is healed.
And yet, emotional wounds also take time to heal. A sincere apology may be like dressing a physical wound. It is very important – even vital - in the process of healing but it does not negate the need for time in the healing process. It also does not ensure that the wound won’t still hurt for a while. A wise and loving spouse will recognize this and give his or her partner the time and support that is needed for healing. With this patience, love and support, the wound is not only allowed to fully heal but the relationship is strengthened as well.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Healing Emotional Wounds
A good way to understand emotional wounds is to simply compare them to physical wounds. First of all, they hurt. How helpful is it if we are physically hurt – say we’ve sprained an ankle – for someone to say “Don’t feel hurt” or “You shouldn’t feel hurt”? That definitely does not ease the pain. What does help is for someone to say “Where does it hurt?” or “What can I do to help?” or “I’m so sorry you’re hurt.”
These are such “no brainers” for physical hurts and wounds but why do we treat emotional wounds so callously? Probably the main reason is because emotional wounds involve relationships. When you go to the doctor with a physical wound, his or her only concern is taking care of your wound. However, when you go to your spouse with an emotional wound, what often happens is that the wound becomes secondary to the defenses given for not causing it (or not intending to cause it). Meanwhile, like the sprained ankle, you’re hurting.
The Bible tells us that when we’re offended (emotionally wounded) we should go to the one who offends us. This includes spouses. How helpful is it when we do this if our spouse denies our feelings (“you’re being overly sensitive” or “you shouldn’t be offended”) or gives reasons why he or she is not to blame? This response does not help the pain and certainly does not facilitate healing.
A much better response when your spouse comes to you with an emotional wound is to simply and sincerely say “Thank you so much for sharing that with me” – no defensiveness, no denying of feelings, but rather focusing on the wound and the desire to heal it. Another step, of course, is to say “I’m so sorry” and “What can I do to help?” You may have a hundred reasons why you did not cause the wound or did not intend to but the fact is your spouse is hurting – the wound needs attention now.
Husbands and wives can be very effective “doctors” for each other by focusing on what needs to happen to facilitate healing rather than denial or defensiveness. And healing is what we all really want.
These are such “no brainers” for physical hurts and wounds but why do we treat emotional wounds so callously? Probably the main reason is because emotional wounds involve relationships. When you go to the doctor with a physical wound, his or her only concern is taking care of your wound. However, when you go to your spouse with an emotional wound, what often happens is that the wound becomes secondary to the defenses given for not causing it (or not intending to cause it). Meanwhile, like the sprained ankle, you’re hurting.
The Bible tells us that when we’re offended (emotionally wounded) we should go to the one who offends us. This includes spouses. How helpful is it when we do this if our spouse denies our feelings (“you’re being overly sensitive” or “you shouldn’t be offended”) or gives reasons why he or she is not to blame? This response does not help the pain and certainly does not facilitate healing.
A much better response when your spouse comes to you with an emotional wound is to simply and sincerely say “Thank you so much for sharing that with me” – no defensiveness, no denying of feelings, but rather focusing on the wound and the desire to heal it. Another step, of course, is to say “I’m so sorry” and “What can I do to help?” You may have a hundred reasons why you did not cause the wound or did not intend to but the fact is your spouse is hurting – the wound needs attention now.
Husbands and wives can be very effective “doctors” for each other by focusing on what needs to happen to facilitate healing rather than denial or defensiveness. And healing is what we all really want.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Is Your Spouse Your Best Friend?
After my husband and I had been dating for a while, I sensed that my roommate was feeling a little left out because of all the time I was spending with this “new guy”. My feeling was that tried and true friendships are so much more important than relationships with guys that may not even last more than a few dates. So I was all prepared to tell this “new guy” in my life that I thought we should stop seeing each other. I planned to tell him right after our date. But then something happened that I will never forget. As he got out of the car and walked around to open my door, something occurred to me. This “new guy” was my friend. He wasn’t just another guy. He, like my roommate, had become my good friend. Needless to say, I didn’t tell him we should stop seeing each other and the rest is history. He now is not only my husband but my best friend.
Ask yourself, is your spouse your best friend? And if so (and even if not so), how do best friends think and behave? For starters, best friends back each other up. They give each other the benefit of the doubt. They know that each has the other’s best interest in mind. They are honest with each other, even at times when it’s hard to be, because they know the honesty is based on genuine love and caring.
Best friends share sorrows and joys. They know and accept each other – warts and all. They don’t give up on each other. They hang in there. They value and respect each other’s opinions and perspectives. They sometimes mess up but they apologize and forgive because they are best friends.
Best friends also put each other first in their lives. They take the time and the thought and the energy to nurture their friendship. And as they do this, their friendship becomes a sort of buffer so that disappointments and frustrations in other areas of their lives (even other relationships) don’t hurt as much. They derive strength from each other and they give strength to each other.
At this point, you may be tempted to say, “My spouse doesn’t do all those things for me.” That may be true, but the expression “to have a friend, be a friend” is as important in marriage as in any other relationship. Ask yourself, what can you do to improve your friendship with your spouse? What can you do to truly become best friends?
Ask yourself, is your spouse your best friend? And if so (and even if not so), how do best friends think and behave? For starters, best friends back each other up. They give each other the benefit of the doubt. They know that each has the other’s best interest in mind. They are honest with each other, even at times when it’s hard to be, because they know the honesty is based on genuine love and caring.
Best friends share sorrows and joys. They know and accept each other – warts and all. They don’t give up on each other. They hang in there. They value and respect each other’s opinions and perspectives. They sometimes mess up but they apologize and forgive because they are best friends.
Best friends also put each other first in their lives. They take the time and the thought and the energy to nurture their friendship. And as they do this, their friendship becomes a sort of buffer so that disappointments and frustrations in other areas of their lives (even other relationships) don’t hurt as much. They derive strength from each other and they give strength to each other.
At this point, you may be tempted to say, “My spouse doesn’t do all those things for me.” That may be true, but the expression “to have a friend, be a friend” is as important in marriage as in any other relationship. Ask yourself, what can you do to improve your friendship with your spouse? What can you do to truly become best friends?
Monday, August 30, 2010
Mt. Shasta - Going North Instead of South
A few weeks ago we drove north on I-5. Up to this time, we had always driven south and did it pretty much on auto-pilot. But this time, we went north. We were headed to Crater Lake National park, somewhere we had never been before. The drive was delightful! Long before we got to our destination, we were thrilled to see the beautiful snow-peaked Mt. Shasta, something we hadn’t expected. It seemed to rise in majesty as we drove and at times, its beauty and grandeur was almost breath-taking. The whole drive was spectacular. I reflected on how often I had driven on I-5 and never enjoyed such views because I had never gone north. I had always gone south.
Too often we live our lives on “auto-pilot” – doing the same things over and over, out of habit. Sometimes our marriages are like that too. In fact, our whole view of marriage is sometimes based on our own “auto-pilots” which too often include habits like reacting to criticism with defensiveness, being competitive instead of cooperative and assuming things will never get better. And sometimes we might even wonder if marriage is really worth it.
And yet, just by choosing to go another direction – to choose to listen for underlying feelings instead of becoming defensive, to choose to learn from each other instead of competing, to choose to hope for the best instead of assuming the worst – whole new vistas can open up, even feelings of love and joy we never expected.
Too often we live our lives on “auto-pilot” – doing the same things over and over, out of habit. Sometimes our marriages are like that too. In fact, our whole view of marriage is sometimes based on our own “auto-pilots” which too often include habits like reacting to criticism with defensiveness, being competitive instead of cooperative and assuming things will never get better. And sometimes we might even wonder if marriage is really worth it.
And yet, just by choosing to go another direction – to choose to listen for underlying feelings instead of becoming defensive, to choose to learn from each other instead of competing, to choose to hope for the best instead of assuming the worst – whole new vistas can open up, even feelings of love and joy we never expected.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Dear Readers,
It's been almost a year now since I began writing this blog. I have appreciated your comments and hope you have found it helpful. I have been encouraged to make it available to anyone (to go public) rather than limiting it to invitation only. I think that's a good idea and have decided to do that. After this post I will no longer be sending invitations and my blog will be available for anyone to read at
http://thetruthaboutloveandrelationships.blogspot.com/
Please feel free to share this information with your family and friends.
I hope this will be helpful. Best wishes always!
Sincerely,
Gloria Hubble
It's been almost a year now since I began writing this blog. I have appreciated your comments and hope you have found it helpful. I have been encouraged to make it available to anyone (to go public) rather than limiting it to invitation only. I think that's a good idea and have decided to do that. After this post I will no longer be sending invitations and my blog will be available for anyone to read at
http://thetruthaboutloveandrelationships.blogspot.com/
Please feel free to share this information with your family and friends.
I hope this will be helpful. Best wishes always!
Sincerely,
Gloria Hubble
Friday, July 30, 2010
Our Precious Time - Part 3 - Expressing Appreciation
One of the first questions I ask couples when they come for counseling is what they appreciate about each other. If they can’t think of anything at the time (which sometimes happens), I ask them to think back about when they first met, what attracted them to each other, what they appreciated then. I get a sense sometimes that they think this is a waste of time and that their time would be better spent getting right to the pressing issues they have to resolve. But usually they bear with me.
It’s interesting how often a husband will say something he appreciates about his wife (or vice versa) and the other one will be very surprised, saying something like, “I didn’t know you even noticed that” or “I’m really glad to know that’s important to you. I didn’t know.” Other times their eyes will fill with tears (both husbands and wives) and they will say simply “Why don’t you ever tell me?” followed by “I thought you knew” and then a shake of the head, “No, I didn’t.”
It is tempting to think that when we are busy with “very important” things to do and problems to resolve, that we don’t have time or can’t afford to take time to express appreciation. However, when you think about it, there are few things that are a better use of our precious time than expressing appreciation. For one thing, expressing appreciation helps us to focus on what’s good in our lives, rather than dwelling on the negatives. As we share that important information with others, it helps them to know that their efforts make a difference, that they are valued. This is especially true when the appreciation is expressed in specific ways.
We all need to feel that we have worth, that we are valued; and that worth and value is best expressed in relation to another, especially one that we have chosen to share our lives with.
It’s interesting how often a husband will say something he appreciates about his wife (or vice versa) and the other one will be very surprised, saying something like, “I didn’t know you even noticed that” or “I’m really glad to know that’s important to you. I didn’t know.” Other times their eyes will fill with tears (both husbands and wives) and they will say simply “Why don’t you ever tell me?” followed by “I thought you knew” and then a shake of the head, “No, I didn’t.”
It is tempting to think that when we are busy with “very important” things to do and problems to resolve, that we don’t have time or can’t afford to take time to express appreciation. However, when you think about it, there are few things that are a better use of our precious time than expressing appreciation. For one thing, expressing appreciation helps us to focus on what’s good in our lives, rather than dwelling on the negatives. As we share that important information with others, it helps them to know that their efforts make a difference, that they are valued. This is especially true when the appreciation is expressed in specific ways.
We all need to feel that we have worth, that we are valued; and that worth and value is best expressed in relation to another, especially one that we have chosen to share our lives with.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Our Precious Time - Part 2 - "I'm Bored"
I kind of cringe whenever I hear someone say “I’m bored”. When children say it, the implication is that as an adult I need to find something more interesting for them to do. When teenagers say it, it’s more like a judgment they’re making, often said with emphasis: “bor-ing”. Adults – we may yawn or make excuses to do something else – usually we’re not as direct as children or teenagers. However, our actions say it just as clearly.
I think what really makes me cringe when I hear people say “I’m bored”, though, is the fact that with so many amazing things to be discovered about the world, ourselves and each other, the choice to be bored is such a misguided use of our “precious” time.
The other day I found myself in a situation where I had to wait for a longer period of time than I anticipated. Not having anything to read or write or a cel-phone to text or people to visit with, I found myself beginning to have feelings of boredom (and yes, I cringed at myself). Refusing to give in to these feelings, I looked around to find something I could do to make better use of my time.
My eyes finally settled on a painting on the wall – one that I had seen at least a hundred times before. I decided to really look at it this time – to study the details – to learn something more about it. It was amazing! As I began to look more closely at this painting (that I had literally seen a hundred times before) I found a figure I had never noticed before. I saw the expression in his eyes, the yearning, the hope. I saw the details of the background – the shapes and colors - I had never noticed before. And as I studied these details, I began to think more about the artist and I felt a twinge of sadness that in the hundred times I had seen this painting, I had missed so much of what he had worked so diligently to convey. But I also felt joy that I had finally seen these important details and gained a new-found appreciation for this painting - as though I were seeing it for the first time.
In the same way, instead of choosing to be bored, we can also choose to look more carefully, to pay more attention to the important details in the lives of our loved ones. We can choose to notice what they are so diligently trying to convey to us and as we do this, we can begin to see them with new eyes as though we were seeing them for the first time.
I think what really makes me cringe when I hear people say “I’m bored”, though, is the fact that with so many amazing things to be discovered about the world, ourselves and each other, the choice to be bored is such a misguided use of our “precious” time.
The other day I found myself in a situation where I had to wait for a longer period of time than I anticipated. Not having anything to read or write or a cel-phone to text or people to visit with, I found myself beginning to have feelings of boredom (and yes, I cringed at myself). Refusing to give in to these feelings, I looked around to find something I could do to make better use of my time.
My eyes finally settled on a painting on the wall – one that I had seen at least a hundred times before. I decided to really look at it this time – to study the details – to learn something more about it. It was amazing! As I began to look more closely at this painting (that I had literally seen a hundred times before) I found a figure I had never noticed before. I saw the expression in his eyes, the yearning, the hope. I saw the details of the background – the shapes and colors - I had never noticed before. And as I studied these details, I began to think more about the artist and I felt a twinge of sadness that in the hundred times I had seen this painting, I had missed so much of what he had worked so diligently to convey. But I also felt joy that I had finally seen these important details and gained a new-found appreciation for this painting - as though I were seeing it for the first time.
In the same way, instead of choosing to be bored, we can also choose to look more carefully, to pay more attention to the important details in the lives of our loved ones. We can choose to notice what they are so diligently trying to convey to us and as we do this, we can begin to see them with new eyes as though we were seeing them for the first time.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Our Precious Time
I was helping my 7-year old granddaughter neatly print a return address on a letter we were getting ready to send. Before writing on the actual envelope, I had her practice writing it several times on another piece of paper, emphasizing how important it was that the printing was neat so the mail carrier could read it, explaining the purpose of the return address. As I complimented her on the good job she was doing and how the practicing had really helped, she exclaimed, “but it’s taking so much of my precious time when I could be playing.”
My granddaughter had a good point. Our time is precious. We all only have 24 hours in a day. How are we using our precious time? As I shared with my granddaughter, practicing and improving a skill is an excellent use of our precious time. For months or even years, I resisted learning how to use new technology. I just didn’t think I had time but finally I realized it was a really good use of my time to learn these new skills – that the benefits really outweigh the time it takes to learn them. In fact, I’ve come to realize that just having the mind-set to be willing to learn new things is a tremendous benefit in and of itself!
Improving ourselves and our skills does take a little more time initially but when you think about it, how much time do we waste just “spinning our wheels”, staying in the same old rut, making the same mistakes over and over again and not really getting anywhere? When we think we don’t have time to improve a skill, especially a relationship skill, what can we honestly say we are doing that is more important, that is more lasting, that is of more value? Yes, our time is precious and there are many good things we can be doing with our time but very few things, if any, are more important than improving and strengthening relationships.
My granddaughter was not wasting her precious time improving her printing skills. It was a good use of her time. It was also a good use of my time - supporting her, encouraging her and complimenting her. In fact, it was a magnificent use of my time!
How are you using your precious time?
My granddaughter had a good point. Our time is precious. We all only have 24 hours in a day. How are we using our precious time? As I shared with my granddaughter, practicing and improving a skill is an excellent use of our precious time. For months or even years, I resisted learning how to use new technology. I just didn’t think I had time but finally I realized it was a really good use of my time to learn these new skills – that the benefits really outweigh the time it takes to learn them. In fact, I’ve come to realize that just having the mind-set to be willing to learn new things is a tremendous benefit in and of itself!
Improving ourselves and our skills does take a little more time initially but when you think about it, how much time do we waste just “spinning our wheels”, staying in the same old rut, making the same mistakes over and over again and not really getting anywhere? When we think we don’t have time to improve a skill, especially a relationship skill, what can we honestly say we are doing that is more important, that is more lasting, that is of more value? Yes, our time is precious and there are many good things we can be doing with our time but very few things, if any, are more important than improving and strengthening relationships.
My granddaughter was not wasting her precious time improving her printing skills. It was a good use of her time. It was also a good use of my time - supporting her, encouraging her and complimenting her. In fact, it was a magnificent use of my time!
How are you using your precious time?
Friday, June 11, 2010
Getting to Know You
I visited with a couple who just had a big argument. The husband (I’ll call Harry) had made an important decision without consulting his wife (Mary). When Mary found out, she was furious. I asked Harry why he hadn’t talked to his wife before making this decision. He answered that he knew she would disagree but he felt it was the right decision. As we visited more, it turned out that Mary actually agreed with the decision. She was just upset about not being consulted, about not being part of the decision making. Apparently Harry didn’t know his wife as well as he thought he did.
How well do you know your spouse? Sometimes we get so caught up in our own world that we don’t really take the time to get to know who the person is that we married. Sometimes we assume they think just like we do and if they don’t, they're wrong. And yet, we didn’t marry “ourself”. We married someone else. In fact, we chose someone who had qualities we believed (either consciously or unconsciously) would help us grow and develop and become a more complete person.
Sometimes we assume we know our spouses but maybe we don't really know them as well as we think we do. When was the last time, for example, that you asked your husband for his opinion or your wife for her input? When they answered (if they weren’t completely speechless) did you listen to learn – genuinely wanting to know how they felt about things? And, if they felt differently than you, did you carefully consider what you could learn from them?
Marriage is a wonderful opportunity to become more together than either of us could become separately. It’s grafting two plants into one to make a stronger, healthier, sweeter fruit.
How well do you know your spouse? Sometimes we get so caught up in our own world that we don’t really take the time to get to know who the person is that we married. Sometimes we assume they think just like we do and if they don’t, they're wrong. And yet, we didn’t marry “ourself”. We married someone else. In fact, we chose someone who had qualities we believed (either consciously or unconsciously) would help us grow and develop and become a more complete person.
Sometimes we assume we know our spouses but maybe we don't really know them as well as we think we do. When was the last time, for example, that you asked your husband for his opinion or your wife for her input? When they answered (if they weren’t completely speechless) did you listen to learn – genuinely wanting to know how they felt about things? And, if they felt differently than you, did you carefully consider what you could learn from them?
Marriage is a wonderful opportunity to become more together than either of us could become separately. It’s grafting two plants into one to make a stronger, healthier, sweeter fruit.
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